Shame on me for exposing my enemies list to the entire world!

Author’s note: on a second read through of this I redacted some words that gave away who the person is as to name them here is to shame them.

I’ve been reading a book called Choose Your Enemies Wisely: Business Planning for the Audacious Few (Purchasing from this this affiliate link generates revenue for this site) and I realized I have a lot of enemies. But my enemies have a common thread. Shame.

I hate shame, everyone who taught me to feel it, and everyone who tries to shame me in daily life. And further, I hate seeing other people experience shame. I hate those who inflict it on others. At the same time, I realize that "hurt people hurt people" and most shamers are just passing on a learned ritual from their own life.

So therefore I see shame as the enemy of my enemies as well as my own. And my goal in 2024 is to defeat shame. I want to defeat it in my own life and teach others how to defeat it in theirs. And for those who don’t understand that shame is a bad thing and powering negative behavior on their part, I want to help them to recognize it and then help them defeat it. Therefore, this list of enemies who have contributed the most shame to my life is also a list of people I want to rescue, if they’ll allow it.

Shame and embarrassment are different.

One more note before I go on to list my enemies, and that is that I’m not advocating to not have humility or not have standards of behavior which, when crossed, we feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is healthy. It’s temporary. You feel it and then you make a plan to avoid it in the future. Shame is toxic. Shame is a commentary on your character. And it says you’ve done something you can never recover from. Toxic shame is hopeless.

Even for the prisoner on death row for the most vile of crimes may as well already be dead if they have no hope for redemption with at the very least, God and themselves.

Now onto my enemies.

Enemy #1 My █████ 

(redacted by author to avoid shaming this person)

I think I just heard the air being sucked out of the room by everyone’s shock. I suppose American culture views being at odds with your family as shameful. Did you feel me smile? Aha! An enemy to slay. And I’m doing it right now by writing this public post.

Though a first-rate █████ with a teaching background who did many things to shape me into her vision of success, she failed to notice my painful struggles with ADHD as a child and teen. She was unable or unwilling to understand what drove my behavior. And her favorite way to control me was through shame.

“Shame on you,” was her response for anything I’d do wrong. So often that she didn’t need to say it after a certain point. Just a look at me and I knew she was thinking it.

Now I’m not saying I was an easy child. I struggled with severe undiagnosed ADHD. A challenge for any █████. But what I am saying is that to this day, her pride is more important to her than respecting me and my lifestyle. She will not stand for differences of opinion nor will she honor any boundaries.

It still makes my blood run cold and my stomach turn into knots to think about doing something rebellious in front of her. Like say, smoking a cigarette at age 40. Not that I smoke, but that was something I got in trouble for when I was a teen and it still sticks with me.

I can’t share with you what she taught me to be ashamed of because listing it would be shaming to her. And I hate shame. ;)

So let’s move onto some more enemies.

Enemy #2 Snobs

People who show endless displays of their immense wealth, and show no humility to temper it. They are simultaneously sending the message that they’re living a better life than those below them on the social ladder while also sending the message that they wouldn’t so much as talk to someone below them if not via some necessary exchange of goods or services because they are better than those people. That kind of behavior shames a huge percentage of people who do not come from wealth and I hate shame.

Honestly though, I should probably move them off my list because I’ve outgrown them. They no longer shame me, though they never stop trying. Truth is, that snobs do what they do in order to justify sacrifices or unsavory things they’ve done to achieve or maintain their self-proclaimed status.

And let me also say that not everyone who has money or lives in a desirable zip code is a snob. Not at all! I am lucky to have many friends who have loads of money and are humble, loving people, and who give freely to wonderful causes.

Also, not all snobs have money. There are plenty of people who turn their nose up at anything outside of whatever they have decided to be prideful about. Consider the person living in a mobile home who keeps house best of anyone on her street. She could be a snob about housekeeping. Or the person who is snobbish about their education, or status in a company, or youth, or physical beauty. The list is long.

Enemy #3 █████

They are co-owner of █████, a competitor of my company. This person had their chance to work with me but chose to work against me. I’m unsure of the precise reason why. It could be something I said (I have ADHD foot in mouth disease for certain). Or it could be something about my character or values.

But one thing is certain, when they emailed me to turn me down, they acted in an underhanded way and tricked me. Not entirely different from how Mark Zuckerberg tricked the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network (Purchasing from this this affiliate link generates revenue for this site) when he sent emails saying he was too busy to get around to their project while he secretly created it himself.

Enemy #4 My █████

He gave me the tuition for college while disgustedly telling me I’d get no further money from him and I could waste it on a car for all he cared. He didn’t believe I had enough sense to enroll in school and go. I’ve outgrown that too, as I graduated 3 years later Magna Cum Laude and with Honors.

However, still relevant, to this day he treats me with disgust and disbelief. This makes me feel like I have no █████ and also societal shame over not having a positive relationship with my family.

Enemy #5 My █████

He has never accepted my life experience as real and believes the lies my █████ tells him about me instead of seeking to try to know me himself. For many years I doubted my life experience because of him and I was ashamed to tell my story.

Enemy #6 Anyone who reads this blog post and demands I change it or take it down.

I won’t be shamed for the decisions I make. And yes, people with ADHD are known to overshare. I may be called out on that. But this website is a safe haven for everyone who struggles with ADHD symptoms. I will be stoic and defend my right to share this and anything that can be interpreted as a misstep that is part of the ADHD experience.

Did you make my enemy list? There's no shame in it.

There you go. My list of enemies. And if you made the list, there’s no shame in it. You can always change. Or maybe I’ll defeat you and move onto bigger things. In the end, it’s not the people who are my enemies. It’s the shame. And I’m willing to help anyone struggling with it. 

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